Limbo

This past May, I moved to Austin, Texas with my parents.  In August, I graduated from college with a degree in psychology, and I turned 28 years old.   In short, this is the summary of my recent life.  After being so absent from my blog for so long, I suppose I should attempt to describe my current life in more detail, but for some reason I hesitate.  I apologize if the following seems somewhat incomplete.

Leaving Atlanta was hard, though it is something I have been planning for quite some time.  I had to tear myself away from old dreams, old desires, and look towards a future that might offer me opportunities to cast away karmic shackles and embrace a life of joy and peace.  While my newfound commitment to Francis has been a tremendous blessing and has granted me hope that recovery is just around the corner, I feel as if I am floating in the land of limbo.

After graduating from college, I felt proud for what I had achieved so I immediately gave myself permission to slack off and be a bit lazy.  Several months later I’m beginning to feel the consequences of shutting off my creativity, and replacing it with mundane and time-consuming activities has not helped.  Reawakening my blog seems like a good idea, as the expression should open my heart a bit and allow me to discover newfound potentials and passions.

I read over a few of my old blog entries, and it’s odd to remember a person that no longer exists.  Each and every day I become someone new.  The cells in my body die and new ones form.  My spirit swirls around like a kaleidoscope serving its purpose, experiencing this life, and bounces off the walls of reality unharmed and uninhibited.  Reading my previous writings from years back, I wonder how many steps towards spiritual awakening I have actually made.   Or maybe I’ve taken some steps backward.  Then I realize that of course, that the destination I seek does not exist, for there is no destination, only a journey, a journey which has no beginning and no end.

When I moved to Austin I knew that I was going to make a solid commitment to seeing Francis and healing.  Recently, I find myself frustrated, wanting more.   I find myself frightened, that the recovery I seek will not occur.   I can describe it over and over again how powerful the healings are with Francis, but until movement occurs, until I rise out of this chair and walk, my words are limited.  Francis is extremely confident that I will walk again one day.  He has seen it he tells me, and I believe in what he says.  There is no doubt that I take a great risk committing myself to the achievement of a miracle, but I do not regret believing in this miracle.  For believing in miracles is to believe in the unlimited potential of God.   God, the ultimate mystery, the infinite peaceful presence whom we are all driven to discover.

I do not currently know where my life is leading me.  At times the uncertainty swells in the pit of my stomach, but my heart does not waver.  It holds strong and true.  Unwilling and unable to accept defeat.

Spiritual Evolution

Every time I travel to Austin, Texas, several people tell me that they have read my blog and many of these people tell me that my blog is the reason they came to see Francis the healer. It is amazing that even during this time where I have completed zero journal entries, the blog continues to impact people’s lives. For the people who go to see Francis because of my blog, this impact is not a small one, for Francis literally heals the hearts of individuals and facilitates the priceless path of spiritual growth.

To catch everyone up on my physical recovery, I continue to tell a similar story. Strong physical recovery which changes the quality of my life has yet to occur, yet at the same time I feel a powerful healing energy coursing through my body which tells me the recovery which I seek is inevitable. There has been some visible physical recovery. I have a strong increase of sensation throughout my body, my core strength and balance is much better, as well as the coordination in my arms. I’m extremely healthy, and no longer do I look like a sick individual as I did several years ago. I also feel a strong connection to all muscles in my body and telling the muscle to contract is not the problem. Many spinal cord injuries cannot even perform this task.

I recently came back from a trip to see Francis and yet again I was blown away by the healing power and mind blowing awareness that something beyond my comprehension was occurring. Every trip it seems the healing energy cannot get any more powerful, yet time and time again the healing experience surges in strength. My last day with Francis, I laid on the treatment table and felt my body tremmoring; buzzing sensations and heat spread through my body as I felt an uncontrollable urge to jump up and cast away the shackles of paralysis. All the while I was so amazed at the experience I have been given to understand that this physical life is so much more than it seems and that God is present in every aspect of our lives.

I stayed for three weeks this trip instead of my usual two, and received healing energy every day except one. I experienced the generosity of many individuals who offered their services to me. I received many massages, acupuncture, Ayurvedic treatments, and manual therapies. I felt the loving service of all of them as they were willing to offer any help they could to help me reach my goal of complete physical recovery. The trip was wonderfully intense and I am also grateful that I was blessed with the ability to finish my school work as well.

My mindset now that I’m back in Atlanta is one of hope. Francis tells me that the energy is there and it is only a matter of time before my body comes back to life. Exercise is key he believes to recharge the muscles and to get them functioning as they once did. I have been in this situation many times, coming back and believing that now was my time for recovery. Unfortunately my expectations have been dashed in the past, so I cannot help but be cautiously optimistic.

Even though I have yet to experience the quantum leaps of recovery which I envision, I am fully aware that this experience has been a grand opportunity. I’m aware that more than physical healing I am being provided the opportunity to further my spiritual evolution. All the people I’ve met, all the experiences I’ve gone through, have provided me with the opportunity to grow closer to God and to work through the spiritual hardships necessary to fulfill my grand eternal purpose. I honestly do not know the exact nature is of this purpose, except that it involves connecting with a peaceful presence within myself and throughout existence. It involves never giving in to the idea that suffering is meant to last forever, but is simply a necessary and temporary step towards discovering peace and serenity. This journey of spiritual evolution is no easy task, but to do so fulfills the greatest purpose one can strive for and in this moment, I am grateful.

I Exist

I exist to see reality for what it is.  I exist to gain the knowledge and the vision that the universe is made up of nothing but love and there is nothing separate from anything else.  I exist to rise up to a new level of consciousness where the heart opens and love overcomes my senses as thought transforms to a creative power flowing freely in its manifestations.  I exist to know myself as I really am, unattached and unperturbed by the drama of life.  My experience, my healing, has prepared me for something grand to occur in my life and I welcome it with an open heart and open arms.

An Instrument of God

I recently got back from another trip to see Francis the healer. Somehow it seems that this recent trip was different than the rest, and something clicked inside of me. I feel the potential for powerful peace and since my arrival back in Atlanta I have had quite a few glimpses. It is not unusual for me to have a sense of peace after returning from Austin, but all too often the peace fades away leaving me with the same old demons I have been dealing with for so long.

I wonder could this be the time when happiness resonates within me on a deep level and I maintain an understanding of who I am? Or will it once again fade away forcing me to experience dissatisfaction? Many people would probably say, "Why even entertain the idea that it may leave?" The reason is because it’s just the way I am. I am very analytical and I cannot help but wonder. At the same time I believe it is healthy to understand that human beings are emotional creatures and highs and lows are quite commonplace. If I do end up falling once again and suffering on some level, I must be aware that this simply means I have more work to do. Having more work to do can be seen as a blessing and an opportunity to unveil more divinity within me.

Francis told me two profound statements about my recovery. He said that the energy is flowing down my spine and spreading outwards. This resonates strongly with what I have felt over the past couple of years, and I often tell people that I can feel the muscles along my spine getting stronger and coming back to life. Francis also told me that I was 70% there, and when I reach 100% I will walk again. This also resonates strongly with me as I constantly feel this powerful healing within me, and I struggle to break free as the feeling that I should be up and walking grows and grows until I feel I am about to burst!  I’m not sure that I will suddenly walk again, but I do believe a day will come when the bubble bursts and things will simply start coming back to life. Believing this takes a lot of faith, but as of right now believing it is not difficult. I understand that it is difficult for others to believe because they cannot experience what I have experienced and feel what I feel. This frustrates me at times, but it does help me to rely on myself for faith rather than the approval of others.

Francis is not only healing my body but he is also healing my mind and spirit. The past few days I have had a strong desire to overcome my fears, let go and let God and break out of my shell. I decided that I want to meet and talk with as many people as possible this summer. The past several days I have been getting in my power chair and driving down to the pool by myself and sitting in the sunshine. This may be hard to believe, but the two summers before this one I was terrified to do this. It seems so silly now, but it’s the truth. Being out on my own I have discovered how capable I am of meeting people and talking with others. I am discovering that I am capable of talking about a great deal of subjects and truly have the ability to connect with people. Breaking free and talking with strangers I believe will increase my confidence in my abilities to define myself in a career and move forward with the mindset that I am no longer a kid but a grown adult who has gifts and talents. I am excited about continuing in this direction.

I ask God to make me an instrument of love and healing. I wish to radiate God’s energy and bring forth opportunities and creation into my life. I’ve always known this is possible but I have expected complete success and felt responsible for my failures. I now realize and know that the journey is the destination and the down times are just as necessary and fulfilling as the high times. Surrendering does not mean joy will forever be present in your life. Surrendering is allowing the journey to take place and knowing that it is good.

Life Will Always Show You the Way

Changes are officially taking place in my life.  No people, I am not walking yet, but I am officially back in school and working towards my degree.  I was at a point of frustration, where my life felt hazy and unclear.  After working so hard and so long here in Atlanta for the recovery I seek.  After faithfully traveling to Austin time and time again to up absorb the love radiating from Francis’s hands.  I had a strong feeling that something in my life needed to change and yet was horribly afraid of what that decision might be.  This appropriate fear led me to thinking about small changes which I might make instead of large ones, and slowly my thought process led me to the idea of online education.

 

Online education would provide me with the flexibility and convenience to continue down my track of recovery.  Slightly cutting back on my therapy, I could study and gain knowledge, while also continuing to visit Francis the healer in Austin when my schedule permited.  Continuing my education would also contribute to a healthy balance in my life, not always continually focused on a point in the future when my recovery would take off.  Instead of constantly awaiting that moment just around the corner, I could create a future containing more than the effort to be physically and spiritually whole.  Education would insert me back into the approval of society, placing me in the necessary role of the career path, helping me to feel I am beginning to fulfill my duty as a helpful member of society.

 

Not sure exactly of what my plans were, I jumped right into researching possible degrees I could get online.  Biology was my subject of choice when I was previously in school and my current interests are very much focused on the physical body and exercise.  I soon discovered that it was difficult to get this type of degree online and I began to seek other avenues.  I began to research various online programs and discovered the people at Ashford University to be very helpful and on more faith than anything I chose to apply for the university.  I chose Political Science as my major, although I was not quite sure, I simply knew that I needed to keep moving forward and have faith.

 

The first course I took was a Psychology course, "Adult Development and Life Assessment".  It was a required course for those with a certain amount of credits.  Its design is to help adults who have been away from the learning environment, get acclimated once again to learning.  It was also geared towards analyzing and assessing your life, understanding where you’ve been and where you might be going.  I enjoyed the class thoroughly, and suddenly one day a light bulb went off in my head, and I realized that Psychology was my new gig.

 

It did not take me long from this point to understand that a large majority of my experience and mental focus during my injury has been geared towards understanding the mind and how it operates.  Spiritually and mentally I have dove into the unknown quest to understand my life, and how to achieve peace and joy.  Daily I have been given the task to maintain understanding in the face of incredible adversity.  I still do not know exactly where Psychology will lead me, but I can see myself developing a keen awareness of people and how I might be able to help them.  Psychology will also allow me to simply be there for people, and not force any kind of judgment upon them, but just be present, listen, and understand.

 

Ashford University is an accelerated program, where I take one class at a time, each class lasting five weeks.  After finishing my first class at the end of January, my father and I headed to Austin, Texas for a two week visit with Francis.  For those who may not know, Francis is a spiritual energy healer who I have been visiting on a regular basis for two or three years now.  As I always say upon my return, every visit seems to be a more intense and powerful experience.  For some reason it is very hard for me to put into words what it is like to get this healing.  It is something which is beyond my mental understanding, but this knowledge that something so grand is occurring creates a profound experience.

 

During this trip I maintained an intense focus.  I sat in his office for hours at a time, meditating and absorbing the healing energy.  I could literally feel heavenly powers healing my heart and body.  Waves of energy traveled throughout my nervous system as I put forth all of my mental energy into awakening my muscles.  Now that I’m back in Atlanta I have a fresh determination to take that healing energy and turn it into function.  My main goal is to be able to lay flat on my stomach, bring my elbows in by my side, and then prop up onto my elbows.  To achieve any function whatsoever, even something as simple as that, will have a tremendous impact on my overall belief and faith that I can continue to make small steps until I am standing and putting one foot in front of the other.

 

I’m combining the power of letting go with the power of intention, and stating that I will gain function within the next month.  Somewhat straying from my typically Buddhist nature, I am demanding it upon myself that I achieve this goal.  The healing energy which I felt coursing through my veins during my visit with Francis, is too powerful and too profound to not turn into functional improvement.  The strong physical feelings inside my body and inside my heart, will not turn me away from the belief that I will achieve massive improvement in my physical body.  I understand that no physical achievement will ever bring me true inner peace, or happiness, but I also understand that I’m not forcing my will upon God or reality.  I am simply achieving what I am destined to achieve.

 

I have never wandered from my path for I understand that there really is no such thing as one certain way we must individually travel.  We twist and wind our way through the forests of our lives, sometimes completely confused and blind to the light which shines within us.  But never at any moment does the reason and the purpose of who we are leave us.  At every moment and at every turn, we maintain our infinite Spirit and the love which is God never vanishes.  It is interesting that the choice to further my education came so easily and when the time was right I stumbled upon a new focus in the direction of my path.  We must all maintain faith, no matter where we find ourselves in life, that if we continue to march forward and search for the answers, life will always show us the way.

 

The Power of Letting Go

I get frustrated many times thinking about the power of letting go. I realize that letting go has tremendous creative power. I believe that complete surrender and living within the moment has the power to attract all kinds of wonderful things into your life including much of which you have long desired for. The problem which comes with this knowledge, is that the mere awareness of this truth seems to cancel it out. What I mean is, by knowing that surrender and letting go will attract desires into my life, the process becomes more one of manipulation rather than surrender. By knowing that letting go will attract good things in my life, the process of letting go becomes just another manipulative effort to get what I want. Then the entire process loses its effectiveness. Of course to buy into what I’m saying you must believe in the power of surrender and the power of letting go. Something I myself am not quite sure of all the time.

I do believe we have much creative power. I believe we are creating all the time whether we do it consciously or unconsciously. Every single moment we are attracting something into our lives. We cannot help but do it. We think, we speak, and we act, all the while the energy and God is working its magic. The energy, the magic, in fact is God. However, I wonder how much control I actually have over these events? I get frustrated because I believe that through effort I may be able to one day let go and have this control I always seek. Once again if I attempt to let go in order to gain control, the effort is pointless. Truly letting go, truly surrendering, will contain no desire, and no imagined conclusion. It will simply be me merging with God. The after-effects would not be considered.

So during this entire charade of creative magic taking effect, what is my role? I believe I am meant to always strive towards peace and joy. But as I make efforts towards this goal, a constant forgiveness should be maintained. Forgiveness for being human, for the times when I’m not able to surrender, for the times when I know that I may be creating something I perceive I do not want. For how do I know when something is supposed to be in my life and when it is not? How am I to know what I am to create and I am not meant to create? I cannot know. So at the end of this philosophical rambling, I once again come to the conclusion that the only thing I can truly know, is that I know nothing.

My Blessed Story

Once again it has been a while since my last blog. I apologize to anyone out there who may be disappointed by my absence but I just can’t shake the lack of inspiration to write these days. I cannot really pinpoint what it is exactly, except possibly just a desire for privacy or it could be an unfortunate sign of laziness. Whatever the reason, there is nothing wrong about it, it just is.

I have been progressing well lately with my recovery. I cannot say I have been exceeding all expectations, but I am blessed to be seeing changes and a slow incline of recovery. I spent two weeks in Austin, Texas along with my aunt and uncle from Canada. The two weeks was a refreshing change from our normal one-week stay. I actually had time to settle in, meditate, and absorb tons of healing energy. Usually it seems like we are in and out of that town like a whirling tornado. The healing sessions were very powerful and as I sat there absorbing God’s energy, I can’t help but feel extremely blessed and lucky to be experiencing that moment. My body feels warm and heavy, my thoughts drift into space, and I feel life flowing through my veins. Any second I imagine myself jumping out of my chair.

The first two weeks back in Atlanta were pretty rough. I felt rather disconnected from reality and really tired all the time. I could feel changes occurring but they were somewhat frustrating as my abdominals were tightening up not allowing me to sit or stand up very straight. Lately however, more coordination is occurring and I find myself sitting up straighter than ever before. My circulation has improved immensely since my last Texas trip, and I’m noticing that I don’t have nearly as much swelling in my ankles and feet. My entire body feels stronger and I have more sensation in my muscles.

Lately while I’m working out I scream out, "function!" I do this because I desperately want to see all the strength improvement and all this life flowing through my veins, to turn into functional movement. Something that will improve my life, something that will allow me to say that I was doing "this" and now I’m doing "that". I know that it is inevitable but it is frustrating to always feel like it’s around the corner and the corner never comes. It will come one day, I know this.

As usual I also continue to constantly dive into the realm of spirituality and self growth. I crave the experience of personal freedom, freedom from suffering, freedom from thoughts which tell me I am less than infinite love. Freedom from fear of the future and freedom from resentment of the past. I crave freedom from thoughts like, "I shouldn’t have done that!", and "what should I do!" I want to love this moment with all my heart, and always see the beauty, the blessed creation, and know that it is perfect.

I spoke about Byron Katie in my previous entry. www.thework.com I continue to practice her teachings but it is very hard sometimes to constantly question my fears and inquire into my thoughts. There is always a much stronger motivation to just give in to all the false stories I tell about my life, and others. God is reality and God is good. The one and only story I truly need.

I cannot help but shake the feeling that I have control over my life. It seems a constant theme in people’s lives to believe that they have control. "Take control over your life!", people say, but do we really have control over our lives? I think surrendering to the will of God is much more powerful than taking control with the mind, manipulating and charging through fear with wild abandonment. Maybe it works for some, I don’t know. I believe that maybe we do have infinite powers to create, but is it our job to discover that power and wield it to our means? Or is it our job to simply love and allow the powers that be simply work through us to serve and discover?

"What should I be doing that I’m not doing?" That thought really gets to me. Wondering if maybe I’m getting it wrong. Byron Katie says that decisions make themselves. We never force a decision to come, the decision always comes when the time is right. It just occurs, like getting out of bed in the morning.

I’m excited to see what occurs in my life and I feel as if maybe I am becoming antsy and afraid because subconsciously I know that major changes are on the way. In my mind I feel as if I won’t be able to handle these challenges but with proper inquiry I know that this is not true. History has shown that I am a strong individual who is able to handle anything that life throws at me. Recovery itself can be quite scary. Paralysis has become somewhat of a comfort zone, but I look forward to facing that challenge and I look forward to facing that fear. I can’t get it wrong in life because God is everything and God is good. The final story.

www.youtube.com/colinsodyssey  -some new videos.

"You’re just suffering from the belief that there’s something missing from your life. In reality, you always have what you need." – Byron Katie